Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
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i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.