Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

When I grow up, I want to be 16

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.