Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”