Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
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“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone