Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.