Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
