Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Not all heroes wear capes.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
