Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Lol #dogsoftwitter

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut