Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

Sorry I made promises on Friday

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no