Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.