@ADHDeanASL

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

You Might Also Like

@CFernekes

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

@TinaMav

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

@Douchekevin

SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…

@Reel2Dialog2

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

@dorsalstream

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

@SonOfCha

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

@TheMichaelRock

You’ve made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.

@8bitf0x

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

@Quartzjixler

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.