This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
You’ve made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.