Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
every college guy’s fridge
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
