Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone