Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you milk an almond?

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale