Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

hmm conte-me mais

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]