Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
#TopTip
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I’m an American/Canadian dual-citizen so I’m charging myself 25% more now, but also 25% again in retaliation against myself. Your move, Jesse.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.