Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Why are bridges so flammable.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.