person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Blew my mind.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!