person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
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Oh. My. God.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…