Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.