@SSparklesDaily

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

@brynnester

Me: I have an irrational fear of things
Dr: Such as?
Me: Driving, Swimming and Underground Passages
Dr: You have Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome

@RichHarris2

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

@ArfMeasures

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

@3sunzzz

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

@Steelers1972

The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don’t care if you get the last iPad Mini.

@realHamOnWry

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

@Schmoodles

I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.

@thedadvocate01

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa