Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here