Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

You Might Also Like


[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?


Me: I have an irrational fear of things
Dr: Such as?
Me: Driving, Swimming and Underground Passages
Dr: You have Car Pool Tunnel Syndrome


You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.


Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks


I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*


How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.


The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don’t care if you get the last iPad Mini.


After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.


I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.


I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.


Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa