Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
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not seeing the problem
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
2022 be like
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
WTF
