Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Grew big
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
