Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
You Might Also Like
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
hand it over!
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
ACED my prostate exam!
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
All right then, keep your secrets
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad