Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
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H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer