Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.