Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

john wicks are toilet candles

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.