Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

what day is it?

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…