Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you