Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.