*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
dating is so overrated. let’s just get married
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”