Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.