Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
My what?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I used to put eggs in the trunk with the rest of the groceries but now that they are $9 a carton one of the kids can ride back there and the eggs can take a car seat
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?