Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.