Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…