person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles