Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.