Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

Kermit goes Blue.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

feetloaf

Spring cleaning checklist…

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

put ‘er there pardner!

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.