Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Bear knowledge

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room