Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

Uh oh 👀

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo