Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
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Person says: hi
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Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…