Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

About to throw up

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on