Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
