person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
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This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”