person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
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tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me when I hear gossip
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.