Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

Wait a minute

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”