Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Velcrow

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!