Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

#Caturday

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.