Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
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Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.