Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
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It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.