Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
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bury ourselves
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”