person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
The key to being in a cult is joining for the free haircuts and matching outfits, but leaving right before the inevitable “god says I have to sleep with your wife” talk from the leader.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*