person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
work smarter, not harder
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet