person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
certified hallow’s eve classic
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
yea so i messed up lol
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.