person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING