Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
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Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Potatoes were such a good idea
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
why neck hurt
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.