Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody’s lying.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision