person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
This guy’s not having it 😆
I hate everything
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff