person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*