Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…