Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
A Short Story.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy