Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
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Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Natty or not?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Voting is the worst group project
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer