Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*