person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
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My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money