Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

#titanic

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

?¿

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”