Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave