Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
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I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
❤️🦆
😼🖥️
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”