Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

☠️ ☠️

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.