Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.