hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…