Person: “That’s a beautiful baby.”
Me: “Thanks, I named him after his grandpa.”
Person: “Awe, what’s his name?”
Me: “Grandpa.”

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Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.


Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.


Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.


“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.


wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!


kids be like: ngudksowkmdcjc
me: huh?
they mom: he said he want some chips


Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?


BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.