@Michael_Erhart

Person: “That’s a beautiful baby.”
Me: “Thanks, I named him after his grandpa.”
Person: “Awe, what’s his name?”
Me: “Grandpa.”

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@AngelaBishop

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

@DurtMcHurtt

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

@RunOldMan

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

@UnFitz

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

@daemonic3

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

@imgoneIoI

kids be like: ngudksowkmdcjc
me: huh?
they mom: he said he want some chips

@BigBang6000

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.