person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
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Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
These 3D printers are insane!
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.