person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
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Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
life finds a way
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke