person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
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me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
you stereotypes are all alike
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead