Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*