Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

Seems legit.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE