Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I might give this a try 😏

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel