Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.